"Doodie!"

As an American, you might look upon the above picture and wonder how you would ever survive such a scene. Most westerners believe in their personal space and get downright nasty if they lose it. Well, how about a little perspective?

Via the Thinkquest China etiquette page:

1. Personal space varies from country to country. The Chinese have less personal space than the westerners, so if you find that they are really close, it is normal. You might step a step back, but they might just take a step closer.

2. If you are in China, and pushed in a line, don’t feel bad, the Chinese aren’t use to standing in lines, and you aren’t required to be polite to strangers.

So? Does that explain it? Think about it.



"Spaulding, no!"

Shame, it seems, is a scar - like a second buttcrack.

In a scene reminiscent of George Costanza pushing small children out of the way to escape a burning apartment, we have Fan Meizhong, who realized - once he had already reached safety - that he was the first one out of a building being rocked by an earthquake. Except, it wasn’t just a building – it was a school. Full of 10 year old school children. Stuck in an earthquake. You know, the one that killed 90,000 people?

To make matters worse, Fan Meizhong wasn't just some janitor or gym teacher or some other guy you wouldn't expect to act the hero. No, he was a teacher when he bolted past those kids to a soccer field for safety. But hey, where in his job description does it say anything about saving children? He was just following orders - teach the children, teach the children, teach the children...


I'm a teacher, dammit, not a fireman! What do I know about saving kids?

So naturally Fan posted the story on his blog a few days later and suddenly found himself labeled China’s “biggest coward”. Surprising, I know. He posted that he didn’t regret his decision, and that he, in effect, would’ve stepped over his own mother to get out of that school alive.

But, he adds, he would’ve “sacrificed himself” for his baby daughter. Aw, that’s sweet!

How's he gonna screw up this bunt?

What the hell is wrong with this guy? Three errors in an All-Star Game by one player - sounds like the fix was in last night. Luckily he atoned for his fielding and proved his good intentions by striking out twice and grounding into a double play.

More importantly than that bozo, however, is the apology I owe to the American Mustache Institute, who may have been correct after all in their calls for Giambi to suit up for the All-Star Game. Sure, the AL won the game, but it took them 15 innings to do so. Looking back, it’s easy to see Giambi, had he been invited, stepping up to the plate in the 9th, stache flapping freely in the late night breeze, cracking a homer right out of Yankee Stadium – winning the game while the country was still awake and watching.

And then Uggla would’ve left the game a content, errorless loser, instead of the horrible monster that he revealed himself to be.




It appears Uggla has always sucked, as evidenced by this MVP 2005 (best baseball game of all time) replay of the "All Star" running right into a bunt.

Snot Rocket

You might take one look at the above shot and think, "My, those sailors really have a lot of balls for racing through that eco-sludge!", but then you'd be wrong. They didn't choose this particular patch of eco-sludge. It chose them - yeah, that's right, this is an Olympics trial competition and these poor bastards have no choice. The Olympics are in China this year, and that means plenty of sludge for everyone.

And if it were only so simple as a sailing problem (as that's hardly a sport anyway):

Slate's Disaster Guide to the 2008 Olympics

Slate.com has prepared a “handy guide” with which to moniter the upcoming Olympic games. Ranked how, you ask? By disaster level. Let’s start with:

Algae: International sailing teams are finding it hard to navigate through what looks like a “putting green.” First of all, sailing isn’t a sport. Second of all, it still seems like a level playing field to me, no?

Tibet: Possible protests? I don’t recall anyone complaining when Tommie Smith and John Carlos raised their fists in a black panther solute in 1968. Oh wait…

Rain: Roelof Bruintjes of the U.S National Center for Atmospheric Research says, "I don't think their chances of preventing rain are very high at all. We can't chase away a cloud, and nobody can make a cloud, either." First of all, get a real name. Second of all, get a real job. Thirdly, the Chinese government is firing iodide rockets into the sky to wring water from the clouds. Still worried?

Darkness: As in a television blackout. Reports are that broadcasting equipment is being held up do to security concerns. Let’s get our priorities straight here. Would you take television over personal security. Don’t answer that.

Visa Issues: Security! Security! Hello?!?

Food: Well according to the article in the Telegraph, you’re a racist pig! And in regards to the supposed steroids in the food, why don’t we just take a look at an average Chinese athlete. Pretty buff? Big and toned?

Water: They’ve displaced 300,000 citizens to fill a dried up lake and you’re still complaining?

Locusts: Wait, locusts, really? That’s not cool.

Terrorism: I’m more concerned with the locusts.

And of course, Pollution: Marathon runners are afraid of the toxic air? Doesn’t Los Angeles run a marathon every year?

But let's be fair - it wouldn't be pretty in many American cities either...


Apocalypto

Sorry, no, that's not a post-Apocalpytic cityscape long ago run over with forests and wildlife since humans left for greener pastures. That's Los Angeles, behind a sweltering layer of the prettiest smog-haze you've ever laid eyes on. But hey, at least Americans don't have to shower in ectocooler. Usually.

Final Thought: Everybody’s always picking on China. Watch these games go by without incident, and it’ll be as if Slate’s article was never even written. And if something does go wrong? It’s probably Japan’s fault.

Would you like to see this guy play in the forthcoming MLB All-Star Game?


Mustache Pete

What about this guy?


Mustache Giambi

What do they share in common? Well, if it doesn't seem obvious enough to you on the surface, there are a couple of things I notice. 1, they are both steroid popping maniacs. 2, they both proudly sport mustaches. Even if one of them really doesn't...

But no matter, because when it comes to mustaches, it's all for one and one for all. In other words, those who live by the mustache die by the mustache. Or they at least try to cash in on the All-Star Game perks in their contracts by joining the mustachian elite.

It seems that the American Mustache Institute has thrown it's weight behind a campaign to get Jason Giambi of the dreaded and dreadful New York Yankees selected to the All-Star Game. Nevermind that they failed in that quest. Isn't it mind-boggling enough that there even is an American Mustache Institute?

I, of course, take the American Mustache Institute as seriously as the next guy, but to say that Jason Giambi's hitting prowess, plus a fashionable mustache, equals a bona fide All-Star is just ridiculous. Last time I checked, Fox was raking in almost $800,000 per ad spot for the upcoming All-Star Game. And while I’m impressed with Giambi’s post-steroids .256 batting average, I’m not that impressed. Not All-Star impressed.

Stache or not.