Chan Friedman

Israel likes shiny things, too

Oh, and I�m sure Israel was happy with their medal as well.

Windsurfing? Really? Didn't know that was big in Israel.

Going for Gold

These girls don't look 14...

Should the rest of the world be worried?

51 gold medals for China. The US in second with 36. Let's just say that some of the other 95% of China progresses to the 21st century, I have to imagine that the athletic programs multiply and China comes away with even more gold.

Because China only wants gold medals anyway.

Of China�s gold medals, 34 came in gymnastics, weightlifting, diving, shooting and table tennis. They haven�t made big inroads into other sports, such as track and field. Follow the related link below for an awesome map of the best and brightest (and lowliest) of Olympics competitors.

But as far as China goes, they were close, just not close enough. In the end, the U.S. beats them by 10 medals, 110 total to 100.

But 1.3 billion people are working on it. The pipeline is growing.

On the 8th day...

Fortunately for the world, China is introducing a new program to guarantee the dignity of the upcoming Olympics: sex-testing for athletes who may or may not be men. The news:

"Olympic host Beijing has set up a sex determination lab to test female Olympic athletes suspected to be males, state media reported Sunday.

Sex testing has been routine at the Olympics and other sports events for decades, triggered by fears that male athletes sought to cheat by posing as women."

Just ask Indian athlete Santhi Soundarajan, who was stripped of an Asian Games silver medal in 2006 after failing to prove he was a he, or something. It's all very complicated with these people.

Of course, when you�re born a Jew this problem is handled early on at a special, religious ceremony.

Fear me.

Ancient toys

In keeping with tradition, Chan believes all that is old is good and all that is new is bad. Unless that which is new is a young, fresh lady, because Chan does not believe in stale, old ones - except his wife, bless her soul.
This theory can be confirmed quite easily. Films, music, and television, it can hardly be argued, are nothing like what they used to be. I'd give 10 "Transformers" for 1 "Godfather". Hell, I'd give 10 "Dark Knights" for 1 "Batman Returns". After all, why is Batman's new voice so DEEP?

And what of athletes? We've got Uggla and Giambi and Kobe Bryant and Pacman Jones and Rex Grossman to show for our troubles. What of the old days, the Magic Johnson-Larry Bird-Michael Jordan days of yore? Has anybody actually watched David Beckham play soccer?

Or food...who remembers Koala Yummies?

Contrary to popular belief, there are no koalas in China.

As you might suspect, this theory applies to toys as well, big and small, fancy and, well, not so fancy - like Lincoln Logs. That's right. Lincoln Logs.

What's that you say? Since you've gotten your Playstation 3 you've used your Sega Genesis as a doormat? Your Xbox 360 Live account is your life-line to the universe? You tossed your Gameboy out the window of your car without a second thought, like so many cigarette butts? Well, my friends, Chan has a message for you: only one type of man doesn't see the value in the old school glory of Nintendo.

And that type of man is Bill O'Reilly. Because after all, if (Fuck) one (it!) can't (We'll) find (do) fun (it) with (live!) Lincoln Logs, well, you're probably not an American. And if you can't find fun with Lincoln Logs or Nintendo, like Billo, then you're probably too young to be reading this site. So go, and age well, for one day your gaming systems will be consigned to the antique shops and trash heaps!

But if the human race smartens up and takes a few pages from my book, there will no longer be trash heaps. But that, of course, is a matter for a different day.

Games two can play

"We'll leave the light on for you..."

Viagra, a popular anti-impotence pill, may help some women on antidepressants have better sex, U.S. researchers said on Tuesday.

They found women on antidepressants who took Viagra had fewer sexual side effects than those who took a placebo.

Anti-impotence? More like boner-pill. Is this not just a ruse so that women can force feed their career driven husbands prescription medication without going to jail? Sounds like it�

Chan's Personal Space

"Doodie!"

As an American, you might look upon the above picture and wonder how you would ever survive such a scene. Most westerners believe in their personal space and get downright nasty if they lose it. Well, how about a little perspective?

Via the Thinkquest China etiquette page:

1. Personal space varies from country to country. The Chinese have less personal space than the westerners, so if you find that they are really close, it is normal. You might step a step back, but they might just take a step closer.

2. If you are in China, and pushed in a line, don�t feel bad, the Chinese aren�t use to standing in lines, and you aren�t required to be polite to strangers.

So? Does that explain it? Think about it.

"Spaulding, no!"

The Concept of Shame

Shame, it seems, is a scar - like a second buttcrack.

In a scene reminiscent of George Costanza pushing small children out of the way to escape a burning apartment, we have Fan Meizhong, who realized - once he had already reached safety - that he was the first one out of a building being rocked by an earthquake. Except, it wasn�t just a building � it was a school. Full of 10 year old school children. Stuck in an earthquake. You know, the one that killed 90,000 people?

To make matters worse, Fan Meizhong wasn't just some janitor or gym teacher or some other guy you wouldn't expect to act the hero. No, he was a teacher when he bolted past those kids to a soccer field for safety. But hey, where in his job description does it say anything about saving children? He was just following orders - teach the children, teach the children, teach the children...

I'm a teacher, dammit, not a fireman! What do I know about saving kids?

So naturally Fan posted the story on his blog a few days later and suddenly found himself labeled China�s �biggest coward�. Surprising, I know. He posted that he didn�t regret his decision, and that he, in effect, would�ve stepped over his own mother to get out of that school alive.

But, he adds, he would�ve �sacrificed himself� for his baby daughter. Aw, that�s sweet!

My God! That was Uggla!

How's he gonna screw up this bunt?

What the hell is wrong with this guy? Three errors in an All-Star Game by one player - sounds like the fix was in last night. Luckily he atoned for his fielding and proved his good intentions by striking out twice and grounding into a double play.

More importantly than that bozo, however, is the apology I owe to the American Mustache Institute, who may have been correct after all in their calls for Giambi to suit up for the All-Star Game. Sure, the AL won the game, but it took them 15 innings to do so. Looking back, it�s easy to see Giambi, had he been invited, stepping up to the plate in the 9th, stache flapping freely in the late night breeze, cracking a homer right out of Yankee Stadium � winning the game while the country was still awake and watching.

And then Uggla would�ve left the game a content, errorless loser, instead of the horrible monster that he revealed himself to be.

It appears Uggla has always sucked, as evidenced by this MVP 2005 (best baseball game of all time) replay of the "All Star" running right into a bunt.

What could go wrong in Beijing? Chan retorts...

Snot Rocket

You might take one look at the above shot and think, "My, those sailors really have a lot of balls for racing through that eco-sludge!", but then you'd be wrong. They didn't choose this particular patch of eco-sludge. It chose them - yeah, that's right, this is an Olympics trial competition and these poor bastards have no choice. The Olympics are in China this year, and that means plenty of sludge for everyone.

And if it were only so simple as a sailing problem (as that's hardly a sport anyway):

Slate's Disaster Guide to the 2008 Olympics

Slate.com has prepared a �handy guide� with which to moniter the upcoming Olympic games. Ranked how, you ask? By disaster level. Let�s start with:

Algae: International sailing teams are finding it hard to navigate through what looks like a �putting green.� First of all, sailing isn�t a sport. Second of all, it still seems like a level playing field to me, no?

Tibet: Possible protests? I don�t recall anyone complaining when Tommie Smith and John Carlos raised their fists in a black panther solute in 1968. Oh wait�

Rain: Roelof Bruintjes of the U.S National Center for Atmospheric Research says, "I don't think their chances of preventing rain are very high at all. We can't chase away a cloud, and nobody can make a cloud, either." First of all, get a real name. Second of all, get a real job. Thirdly, the Chinese government is firing iodide rockets into the sky to wring water from the clouds. Still worried?

Darkness: As in a television blackout. Reports are that broadcasting equipment is being held up do to security concerns. Let�s get our priorities straight here. Would you take television over personal security. Don�t answer that.

Visa Issues: Security! Security! Hello?!?

Food: Well according to the article in the Telegraph, you�re a racist pig! And in regards to the supposed steroids in the food, why don�t we just take a look at an average Chinese athlete. Pretty buff? Big and toned?

Water: They�ve displaced 300,000 citizens to fill a dried up lake and you�re still complaining?

Locusts: Wait, locusts, really? That�s not cool.

Terrorism: I�m more concerned with the locusts.

And of course, Pollution: Marathon runners are afraid of the toxic air? Doesn�t Los Angeles run a marathon every year?

But let's be fair - it wouldn't be pretty in many American cities either...

Apocalypto

Sorry, no, that's not a post-Apocalpytic cityscape long ago run over with forests and wildlife since humans left for greener pastures. That's Los Angeles, behind a sweltering layer of the prettiest smog-haze you've ever laid eyes on. But hey, at least Americans don't have to shower in ectocooler. Usually.

Final Thought: Everybody�s always picking on China. Watch these games go by without incident, and it�ll be as if Slate�s article was never even written. And if something does go wrong? It�s probably Japan�s fault.

That guy

Would you like to see this guy play in the forthcoming MLB All-Star Game?

Mustache Pete

What about this guy?

Mustache Giambi

What do they share in common? Well, if it doesn't seem obvious enough to you on the surface, there are a couple of things I notice. 1, they are both steroid popping maniacs. 2, they both proudly sport mustaches. Even if one of them really doesn't...

But no matter, because when it comes to mustaches, it's all for one and one for all. In other words, those who live by the mustache die by the mustache. Or they at least try to cash in on the All-Star Game perks in their contracts by joining the mustachian elite.

It seems that the American Mustache Institute has thrown it's weight behind a campaign to get Jason Giambi of the dreaded and dreadful New York Yankees selected to the All-Star Game. Nevermind that they failed in that quest. Isn't it mind-boggling enough that there even is an American Mustache Institute?

I, of course, take the American Mustache Institute as seriously as the next guy, but to say that Jason Giambi's hitting prowess, plus a fashionable mustache, equals a bona fide All-Star is just ridiculous. Last time I checked, Fox was raking in almost $800,000 per ad spot for the upcoming All-Star Game. And while I�m impressed with Giambi�s post-steroids .256 batting average, I�m not that impressed. Not All-Star impressed.

Stache or not.